Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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