I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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