hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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