I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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