Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
