that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
