I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
