Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
