Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
