im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
