Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
