i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Houston, we have a blender
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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