Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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