So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
