My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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