my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
