Cold hands, warm shart.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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