Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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