Pants 0. Shit 1.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
