I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
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This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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