I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
time to smoke my breakfast
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
