just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
