You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
