i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
