I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
