The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
