she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
