By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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