Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
