I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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