At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
