In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
