God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
