he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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