Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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