i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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