Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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