Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
