Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
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You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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