my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
