I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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