Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
