i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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