we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
