I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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