the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
