so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have surprise drugs for everyone
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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