I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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