Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
