When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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