I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
this is an emotional support booty call
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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