pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
