I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
