I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
