why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize