I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
