i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
